Press to release
Pee M Oh
11 May 2016
The coverment would like to share the secret of our success with citizens and other covernments around the world: money talks.
Our pariahment has given the green light to put an end to every form of embarrassment caused by bungling bureaucrats and those parachuted into top management positions, of course not through merit. Huge amounts of tax dollars will now be thrown at failures to groom them to succeed.
It has been widely acknowledged that the 2 scholars running our public transport system have turned Sinkapore into a laughing stock. However, since the recent implementation of additional monetary incentives, many of my Ang Mo Kow constituents have attested to our bus service becoming less unreliable.
My most hardworking Eurasian grassroots leader, Paul Lampard, echoes the views of most commuters: “Arrival time has improved by 11 seconds”.
We have therefore decided to reward AssMRT and AssBeAss with $504,000 and $1,340,000 respectively, notwithstanding their previous record of unreliability. After we dangled the monetary carrot last year, we could sense the enthusiasm of both CEOs who, for the first time in their career, made some effort to improve.
The coverment is now considering another increase in their salaries to motivate them further and assure the public that failure will not be taken lightly. AssMRT CEO’s record pay package of $2.5 million is likely to be increased to another record, probably $10 million.
Our pay and pay model will be immediately extended to every static board and covernment-linked companies. The urgency to do is because failures are no longer an exception but commonplace, especially in top management. This has already been confirmed by an AssPeeEdge survey conducted recently.
Mistakes are now seen as lessons and no one will not be penalised. If you are a CPF Board employee and wrongly credit a member’s account with a 7-figure sum, no punitive action will be taken. In fact, under the new policy, similar to $1.844 million dished out to AssMRT and AssBeAss, such employees will also be rewarded.
Our pay and pay model was actually implemented on 31 June 1994 but the ‘right’ incentives have been lacking for years. Former Pee M: “If you pay peanuts, you will get monkeys for your ministers.” He was totally convinced there were monkeys in the cabinet and thought that by doubling their peanuts, monkeys could morph into incorruptible ministers. Our economic success, as evidenced by unstoppable GDP growth figures, has proven him right.
Do take note that in 1989, the monthly pay of the Pee M was $49,608. Within five years, it doubled to $96,000. Likewise for ministers which increased from $28,644 to $64.000. The conversion of monkeys was actually a long process stretching decades because previous salary increases were insufficient. Way back in 1970, the Pee M’s monthly salary was a derisory $3,500, an insult to the highest office.
A few notable achievements of our pay and pay model:
– Since 1990, we are the only country to have implemented the COE system. Other countries would like to emulate our profitable system but are bogged down by their parliamentary checks and balances.
– We are the only country to implement a Built-To-Order public housing system which allocates resources perfectly. BTO: Demand = Supply. Civil servants have become more productive as they don’t spend time speculating on the number of HDB units to be built.
– Hospital means testing prevents the abuse of limited public healthcare resources as well as helps to channel a large number of patients to C class wards for junior doctors to gain some experience.
Such brilliant ideas would not have been possible without our pay and pay model. Before 1990, many in the coverment were coasting along. But the moment we decided it was time to reward failure, our system became a runaway success.
The younger generation of leaders have come up with even more brilliant ideas such as disallowing free parking at popular parks to prevent the misallocation of public resources. This may be extended to military installations and schools to encourage more people to take public transport.
Although recently elected politicians, especially military scholars, do not possess any relevant experience, a few have been thinking out of the box and existing policies will soon be tweaked. To be fair to users of every mode of transport, the new Senile Minister of State for Transport is exploring the idea of a new category of COEs for bicycles based on height, weight, wheel size, make, etc. If successful, this may be extended to tricycles and strollers.
The pay and pay model can be applied universally with guaranteed success, even at elections. The winner of the Bukit Buttocks by-election was actually a failure from somewhere else: he won because the covernment devoted million$ in public resources to ensure a favourable outcome.
Sinkaporeans should not underestimate our unique pay an pay model and ask ourselves if we would rather pay for guaranteed success or pay the price of failure.
Li Hsien Tao
Pee M Oh