FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
(Clarification by King Lee)
Pure Aristocratic Party (PAP) is indispensable to Sinkapooreans
Sinkapoor, 32 July 2015
Sinkapooreans must understand and accept our unique form of government – we are a demo(n)cracy only in name but aristocracy in reality. In our demon-ristocracy (as in Demon-cratic), we have a ruler and the ruled and we should be honest with ourselves that this system is indispensable to our success.
First, a bit on our history to facilitate a better understanding.
Below is a list of Sinkapoor’s achievements which the world envies:
– We are able to shepherd 80% of the population into public housing and change housing rules at whim.
– Any government would have been toppled if public transportation broke down half the time as frequent as ours but we are still here today despite another recent massive breakdown.
– Unlike other countries with a high proportion of infirmed elderly citizens, elderly Sinkapooreans are so fit and healthy that even women above 80 are still working as cleaners.
The fact that we are still here today is testament to our indispensability.
My government has noted with concern an increasing number of citizens have begun to question my rule. In an Asian society, this is not acceptable and considered to be ‘boh tua, boh sway’. It is also an offence to offend nobility and PAP will not continue to tolerate this. Plans are afoot to expand Ward 7 which will soon be able to accommodate every netpeasant who continues along an unreasonable line of questioning online.
Lord Tan who’s in charge of family issues has informed me that jobs have been created for elderly peasants who need some form of exercise. Despite our initiative, we have received a barrage of complaints.
With regard to the misunderstanding on the humongous budget of $1 billion allocated to the Parasitic Alliance (PA), blame has to be laid squarely on Duke Janadev’s shoulders. As the Chief of Comms, he should have announced that this was related to helping elderly cardboard collectors.
PA’s budget was doubled because Lord Tan has organised a massive National Day display to dignify pioneer-generation (PG) cardboard collectors. There will be a song and dance item ‘Cardboard Can Can’ where participants’ outfits will be made of 100% cardboard material and the movements will resemble the can can dance. Lord Tan has appointed Duchess Fool to lead the 10,000 participants, a sight to behold.
Such a massive display will cost the government a similar amount to the overpayment for the Youth Olympic Games. The eye-popping budget is justified because all cardboard will be purchased from PG collectors at a 1000% premium above the market rate. Each resident (must be citizens or PRs) collector will also receive a gold plated, solar-powered, motorised trolley to help improve their productivity. PAP does think out of the box.
The $1 billion allocated to Parasitic Alliance is a lot of money and we would like to assure everyone procedural lapses will not happen again. After all, PA has been around for 55 years and if is not able to ensure grassroots members adhere to simple procedures such as NOT approving own claims totaling $114,767, then it does not deserve to exist another 55 days. PA may be allowed to make numerous honest mistakes but will not be caught with its pants down again.
On the perennial issue of exorbitant demon-ristocratic wages, peasants should not quarrel over this. Do remember our wise ex king once counseled all to have “a sense of proportion”.
Let’s recap the explanation of “sense of proportion” by the Chief of Comms – the sky high demon-ristocratic wages compensate a political office holder for his multiple roles. And we are not talking about holding multiple directorships.
For example, Baron LimSS, aka Double Ass online, is not only in charge of manpower matters but doubles up as court jester. Any article which features Double Ass never fails to bring a smile to peasants so he is also providing an invaluable service. Baron Lim had also trained Duke Wong to be a successful court jester. Baron Lim needs to be compensated for his additional roles as a court jester and master trainer.
If Baron Lim’s and Duke Wong’s wages do not commensurate with their multiple roles, we will probably lose them to Moscow Circus. This will be a lose-lose situation for Sinkapoor.
Not everyone is cut out to be a court jester. For example, Marquess Chan, who has his own perverted sense of kuih-lapis-XO-carrot-cake humour, simply could not make it no matter how hard Baron Lim had tried. I have decided to post Marquess Chan to where he belongs – taking charge of supermarkets. Unlike what peasants think, PAP leaders don’t live in an ivory tower and are aware of our shortcomings.
We never leave things to chance and in place of Marquess Chan, Countess Tin, being naturally funny, is currently undergoing intensive training in preparation for the GE.
If peasants were not daft, they would have been aristocrats. They should think before questioning as there are consequences.
All the issues which I have clarified in this press release are unrelated to our perfect policies.