20130622 Indonesia’s ‘advanced secret weapon’ – $12.30 worth of cigarette lighters

(Please take note that 90 per cent of this article is non-factual and you are not reading the right thing)

Singapore has been on red alert for the last 4 days since the haze reached unhealthy levels.

Unknown to all Singaporeans including our elite ministers, Indonesia’s Project HAZE has been ongoing for the past 15 years.
After a secret meeting in Singapore in early June, Indonesia decided that it was about time to test the project on a very large scale.

Since Indonesia does not possess trustworthy satellite info, sneaky officials were able to confirm with our intelligent civil servants during a luncheon meeting, compliments of Singapore taxpayers.
Without even a word of thanks for the sumptuous meal, they returned on the same night to complete final preparations.

On June 10, Indonesian officials called for a meeting with its top agent ‘launcher’ and decided to arm him with a cigarette lighter. The objective was to set fire to 20000 hectares of forest.

However, he had no information that the target was a little red dot and seriously doubted instructions from his superiors. ‘Launcher’s’ 2 buddies then helped him to contact 100 long lost ex-buddies in the special forces, through Facebook, who were more than willing participants. He then gave instructions for each of his buddies to raze 20000 hectares. (200 sq km)

‘Launcher’ was also about to retire and wanted to impress his superiors in order to receive his MBP award, the equivalent of our PBM, in preparation for a cushy civilian life.

‘Launcher’ could hardly believe his luck but there was a problem with budget. He was given only 1 lighter by his superiors and had to cough up the rest of the money. The total cost came up to $12.30, a huge dent in his rupiah account. (down almost 10,000)

The plan was activated on 11 June at precisely 2400 hrs. With his 2 buddies moving under the cover of darkness, ‘launcher’ completed the job within 6 hours and left the rest to favorable wind conditions. The wind had initially been slower than forecast which accounted for the mild haze on 13 June. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2013_Singapore_haze
But when it picked up the following day, the haze began to send shivers down our elites’ spines.

Similar to the record breaking number of dengue cases, haze records were broken with ease and ‘launcher’ was assured of his MBP upon retirement as his superiors were more than pleased with his initiative at recruitment and at his personal expense. Singaporeans became unhealthier during the last 7 hazy days than from eating fast food for 7 years. Living became hazardous when the PSI breached 400 on 21 June. Many are now uncertain when death will strike.

Hospitals were full of hazed patients with a shortage of qualified doctors because foreign doctors had taken leave back to their home country, coincidentally since 13 June. This led to Singaporeans crying father, crying father, with an Indonesian minister likening us to children in such a tizzy. However, Singaporeans’ reactions were unwarranted if we had only understood the name of the minister more clearly. (Agung Laksono)

Credit should be given to PM Lee for not allowing himself to be drawn into “megaphone diplomacy”. He said his response would not be “fruitful”. If only the NEA had been adviced by PM Lee earlier, it would not have involved itself in the spat with AHPETC but prepared adequately for the haze.

However, another blogger does not think too highly of PM Lee in “The art of throwing smoke” @ http://singaporedesk.blogspot.sg/2013/06/the-art-of-throwing-smoke.html Readers should be as discerning as with reading this article.

As the situation became more unbearable, MEWR Minister Vivian B sent NEA’s CEO Andrew Tan to meet with Indonesian authorities to plead with them to do the right thing. Andrew Tan is due to leave the NEA at the end of this month and has reluctantly cut short his vacation in Bali to take responsibility for sleeping at the wheel. The government has not held him accountable but will assign him a new post soon. His successor is yet another military guy from the IDA. Hopefully he will do the right thing.

When the haze reached hazardous level i.e. above 300 PSI, all community centres were closed for 3 days, including the cancellation of indoor activities in air conditioned comfort. But the government has refused to issue stop-work orders for construction sites, placing workers at high risk and profits before people. It is a shame to treat another human being as a filter for the haze.

Foreigners and expats are reported to be leaving Singapore in droves for haze-free destinations and most outbound flights have been fully booked. However, those heading to ‘launcher’s’ country are offered a very steep discount, almost free. This will be extended till the end of the dry season, subject to changes in the weather.

Back to Indonesia, which must be celebrating their ‘success’ and having the last laugh at the justifications for our $12,300,000,000 defence budget. In a MSM article, we brag our possession of “a highly advanced ‘third generation’ fighting force built on the principles of ’see first, think quicker, kill faster’”.

The haze has confirmed the following:
– see first i.e. wait to see the haze first before taking action. Final confirmation – when “the city in the distance is barely visible”, viewed from the Istana.
– “think quicker” will be excluded from future descripions of our defence.
– kill faster i.e. we will be killed faster by PM 2.5.

Confirmation of haze from Istana

Photo credit: Yahoo

That hundreds of millions of dollars losses could be inflicted over a period of 9 days has again put the spotlight on our lack of 20/20 vision government. What’s more, $12.30 worth of cigarette lighters could easily render our $12,300,000,000 defence useless. Hopefully, this will awaken our politicians not to continue focusing on throwing money at solutions in future.

Phillip Ang


Southern parts of Singapore have seen the worst hit areas. (see PSI table http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2013_Southeast_Asian_haze)
Property prices have collapsed as more residents have decided to move to less polluted locations in the north and east.

This entry was posted in HUMOUR, POLITICS. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s